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Why do my Relationships keep Failing?

Your relationship has failed recently or has failed a couple of times in the past? Then you might start wondering WHAT IS GOING WRONG?

Does this mean there is something fundamentally wrong with modern day romantic relationships?


Do you agree that modern relationships have changed and have the following characteristics?

    1. We Dream About Success And Money
      We always wish for all the materialistic things that money can buy. This, in turn, makes us form relationships for our practical convenience. Thus, making us move away from a family-centric environment.
    2. We Want It All And WE WANT IT NOW!
      We do not want to spend a lot of time and effort to build a strong relationship. If the relationship does not go the way we want it, we tend to quit.
    3. We Want To Have A Thrilling And Exciting Lifestyle
      We aren’t thrilled by the possibility of settling down in a quiet place and having a calm & happy family life.
    4. We Are Looking For The Perfect Match
      If the person we are in a relationship disappoints us, we tend to break it off and try something new, instead of trying to fix it.

  1. We Know Everything About Everyone
    There is no mystery about a person anymore! You can get all the information about someone from the social media before you even meet them.
  2. We Are Sexually Liberated
    We tend to replace love with sex because it is easier, more fun and more convenient.
  3. We Do Not Want To Suffer
    We are a guarded generation. We are afraid that if we fall in love, it could make us more exposed and vulnerable. So, we prefer superficial relationships that will not hurt us in the future.

Would you agree with one or more of the above statements? If yes, keep reading – I’m sure this article is going to be interesting to you.


How Many Breakups Do You Think Happen?

Let’s start by talking about the Statistics of Break-ups:


Unmarried Couples:

There is no official statistics for this group of people. However, there are a few researches that have been done by taking samples of population. But, these studies are not applicable to people of varied cultures from all over the world.

Moreover, some of these researches might have exaggerated statistics, depending on what they consider a ‘relationship’. For example, if a couple was together for 1 or 2 months and they broke-up, will these months really qualify as a ‘relationship’?


Married Couples:

Statistics for divorce rates are also quite tricky and may even be misleading. The figure of divorce rate at 50% (which you might have heard) is out-dated since this data is from the 1980’s.

Now, this figure seems to be around 40%. Therefore, contrary to the common beliefs, divorce rates are decreasing.

Moreover, these divorce rates have a cumulative effect. For example, think about a hypothetical situation where the divorce rate is 2% per year. Then over the course of 25 years, the risk rate of divorce would become a whopping 50%.

But in reality, if you look at the yearly statistical figure – it is ONLY 2%. That means 98% are success stories.

The “Average temperature of patients in a hospital” is an accurate analogy to the “divorce rate” situation. Here, the “average temperature” is meaningless because some patients might have higher temperature and others lower.

Similarly, divorce rates too differ for people from across the different socio-economic strata, cultural backgrounds, educational levels, age groups etc. In fact, divorce rate varies across states in the US itself!

Therefore, to sum up, there is no evidence that shows that there is something wrong with modern day relationships. On the contrary, statistics seems to indicate an improvement.


Why Are We Still Having Negative Thoughts About Modern Day Relationships?

You usually get negative thoughts about relationships when you had been through or heard of a painful break-up. These negative thoughts make us rationalize our painful experience. This is where the nagging beliefs come in.

That’s absolutely normal!

These negative thoughts about ‘love and relationships’ might help relieve your pain, but for a short while. They might even help you get over the struggle faster. But in the long run, they can have undesirable effects in your decision-making.

Your bad relationship experiences can put a ‘shadow’ on your future relationships. Thereby, increasing the chances of the failing of your future relationships.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by imageBROKER/REX (3720749a) MODEL RELEASED Silhouette, woman and man screaming at each other, argument VARIOUS

Nowadays, you have access to a vast amount of information. This can help you be more selective in what you choose to digest. Many researches have found out that you tend to select and digest the information that is already in line with your beliefs. Thus, reinforcing your existing opinions and viewpoints.


Here Is Another Effect

Another well-known psychological effect is called ‘labelling.’ To understand this, let’s look at an example: if a person arrived at a meeting on time and you made sure to compliment him/her for that.

When you say something like,” Wow! You are such a punctual person.” Then, there is a greater chance of that person to be punctual again in the future. This is so because people strive to associate themselves to the positive labels that you put on them.

You not only can attract people that correspond to your beliefs, but also facilitate them to act accordingly as well. Therefore, it is very important to have positive opinions about people who could potentially be your partner.

Thus, try to replace the negative beliefs that you have about relationships and potential partners with positive thoughts and positive expectations.


So How Do You Do That?

There is a simple and old technique that has stood the test of time. In fact, I am sure you might have used it when you were a child yourself!

So what is it? It is dreaming!

White Girl Kid Attractive Dreaming Child

Image: Max Pixel

Dream about the person you wish to be in a relationship with.
Dream about the perfect family that you will have.

There is wide spectrum of people around you. There might be a few unpleasant people. But, there are also lots of caring and loving people out there. SO DREAM ABOUT THEM!


Always Dream Positive

When you dream positive things, you will re-program your past negative beliefs and will automatically make sure that they do not repeat again in your life.

So, there will be greater chance that your next relationship will be closer to the “ideal vision” that you have been dreaming about.

Finally, when you are in a relationship again, try to see the good in him/her and compliment him/her for the same. You will notice that they will desperately try to correspond to the high evaluations that you have of them. Of course, don't try to manipulate the other person by using this technique – genuinely try to see the good side!



  1. Dream about the people and relationships that will make you happy and you wish to have.
  2. When you are in a relationship, see the good in your partner, and compliment him/her for the same.

P.S.  If you are single, tell us what your dream relationship is. If you are already in a relationship, tell us his/her reaction on hearing your compliments.

Igor Smirnov

Igor Smirnov

Psychologist, blogger, chess Grandmaster, Internet entrepreneur. Follow Igor on Facebook